steady pulse

 This past month, I have been under tremendous stress. My boyfriend of 5 months have finally left for the U.S. People from work gossip about me and my relationship with him. It seems that many are interested in my love affair. Funny, last time I checked, I'm just an ordinary person, not a celebrity, so why the sudden gossip? Of course,  being a drama queen, I have to react. My reactions were indeed shameful. I was reprimanded several times, not only by friends close to me but by my boyfriend as well. They reminded me that reacting to this rubbish only makes those useless people feel overly satisfied. I realized they are right. So I had to take a deep breath and just "chill".

I admit, this makes me more relax. Who cares about what they think? What matters most is what I think about myself and what the people I care about think of me.

I do not want to ruin my relationship with those who are important to me by thinking about what the  unimportant ones think. I am happy with my relationship with my friends and family and with my boyfriend. Yes, I have proven that long distance relationship is utterly difficult but having him as my partner makes the distance bearable. I still do not know when this will last, but I am just glad that 5 months ago, I took the risk. Ours is not perfect but this was the happiest I've ever had.

while it lasts

i do not know what will happen in the future..i just know that i am happy being with you and while i still feel this happiness, i want to record our days together... you are a wonderful person. i would like you to remain in my life forever. i hope that this wish may come true.

our first picture together. we were in Chicken house and waiting for our friend to come along. It was this night when you told me you are afraid to lose me.Afraid that i might fall in love with the person i was texting with that time. i told you he was just a friend. you never believed me though. you still feel threatened up to now.

our second month as couples. we were both working. it was my lunch time and your end of shift. i believe we had a little disagreement that time yet when i told you to smile in the camera, you smiled like nothing happened. i will miss that smile.

we were in Enting's. i was craving for fried fish and you brought me there. that was the time we talked about your plans on going abroad, i guess. you told me we will try the long distance relationship. again, you smiled like there is nothing in this world that could make you feel sad.

our third month. this is my favorite picture. i love you.

not photogenic but this is a favorite picture too. we almost broke up but we have patched things up. i was afraid that you will not bring your Sun cellular phone because we broke up already. i know you bought that only to indulge me. so when i messaged you to pick me up early in the morning so we could talk, i really was happy you brought the Sun phone with you. i thought that maybe, that time, you wanted to receive a message from me.

we had a big fight. i was jealous. you were angry. i don't know what happened but we resolved it. that was the time you told me you will marry me when you come back and if we are both still single. you just did not know. that was my happiest night. the picture above was when i told you that you are my best friend. and you told me that i was your Best best friend. funny. but i liked it.

i am not sure what will happen in the future. all i know is that i am happy that you are in my present. i love you. jan albert uy.

drama queen: just a short update

Here is a list of things that happened to me in the past weeks. I got inspired by the "Emily Strange" novels I read so I will do this enumeration-like. I hope this will not cause any legal issues against me. Hahahaha

Note: These are random things that happened to me or I remembered doing in my absence in this blog. They are not in chronological order. 

1. I bought Emily the strange: Lost days and Emily the Strange: Stranger and Stranger

2. Looked for the next novel (dark times) in book stores in vain. Actually, I searched for it in just one bookstore.Still the result is in vain.

3. Former BF sent me a text message. This time, I did not text him first. He asked if I had a date. Huh?????? What gives?

4. There is this guy at work who, one day, just took over former BF's place. I am not saying that I am in love with him. What I am saying is that, I have been thinking of him instead of FBF.

5. Guy at work sent me a text this morning after yelling at him via FB and threatening him that I will not speak or talk or plainly recognize his existence if he will not text me. Sometimes, you just need to be in control,you know.

6. Rain and Transportation Strike today. 

7. Got news from Telephone provider that I still have 2 months left before I can disconnect account free of early termination fee.

8. Got enrolled in the so called CAE program ( don't know what CAE means) for failing scores for three months so that I can boost my metrics up to avoid getting terminated.

9. Got the number four spot for having a high score in CDV metric for the whole account since last week. Still  subject to change. I hope the change will be me being in the number 1 spot.  

10. Lost my pink umbrella.

11. Got a message that someone found it. Thank you Lord.

12. Read the latest episode of Naruto Shipuden. Also got disappointed that only one chapter or episode got added in Mangastream after 2 weeks of not being able to check the site.

13. Heard things about the  Judgment day on May 21. Felt my hand grow cold. Then calmed down. Then will pray. 

drama queen: short fb confession

Note: As promised, I will post this in here once I have a PC to check on my blog. I am now in an internet cafe in one of the malls here in Bacolod, killing my time while it is raining outside and while jeepneys are having, in my opinion, an unsuccessful transportation strike. 

Anyway, it has been so long since I last visited my blog and I will now paste the note I have made this morning in FB using my cellphone. So here goes:

The reason why I tell or show someone right away that I like him is because I do like him. I mean, I'm not asking him to marry me on the spot or whatever. I'm not even asking him to court me and be his gf. I just plainly like the guy and I want him to be aware of that. Why? Because knowing someone likes you feels good right? If we can tell bad news, why not tell good ones? Another is that, there is a very slim chance he will or already likes me. If that is the case, he might respond to me and make me feel good (which is my aim here). I am not looking for a bf. I just want to feel good.

So, if you happen to be the/a guy I like and you happen to know that, please, please, don't take it too seriously. I just like you and I really do but it does not mean anything. I mean, I will not like you in the first place if I think you will like me too, you know. I liked you because I somehow knew it will not lead anywhere. Am I weird? I am just being my normal me... Haiz.. Sometimes, even I don't understand myself..

So if you happen to read this and you are positive that you are who I am talking about here, I want you to forget you read this in 5 minutes. And don't you ever mention this note to me. Besides, how can u be so sure that I'm talking about you?

Note: if you think it is you, and you are ultra sure it is you, then yes, i really like you. But that ends there.

-end

drama queen: question mark

Surprise surprise!!! He sent me text messages. I said I will hope again if he texts me and he did!

Fine! They were just friendly messages. I asked him a trivial question about his love life and he replied. He could have lied. He could have just let me think whatever I want to think. I know that friendship is the only thing he can offer to me.  I'm pretty sure that is all he can offer. Now or in the future. I also know that he knows that I am still hoping for both of us to get back together. I know that he will do anything to make me think that it will be impossible for that wish to come true. One clue is the fact that he made another account to pose as his girlfriend. I really don't know why he did that. I assumed he wants me to think he's off limits. I saw right through it, of course. When I saw the comments in his wall, I just smirked and rolled my eyes. Although my mind is telling me that that girl is just a figment of his imagination, I still got hurt. I realized that he had to resort to that pathetic tactic just to lure me away from him. So what if it did not work out the way he wanted it to(I am still here)? So what? It still delivered the dagger-like message straight to my heart. The message was clear. Too clear that I need not repeat it here. Which again led me to think this; He could have lied. Or he could have just let me be. Just kept his silence. Wasn't that his purpose for creating that fake account in FB?


That is why when he replied that he has no girlfriend now and is not looking for one,  I got surprised. I also do not know what to think now that he had deleted that same account.( Could it be that he has some girl he wants to impress? I'm scared. )Still it did not change anything. The fact that he told me a personal information means that he cared a little to what I think about him. And just because of that teeny weeny thing, I am raising my hopes up again!!! 

I don't know. It is just that, I asked for this sign. I was sure that he will not text me again, yet he did. 

I don't want to think anymore. I will just let nature take its course. Let myself develop into a swan, a butterfly, something beautiful. If he is the one for me, he will be mine. If he is not, someone else will thank him for letting me go.


But why did he reply? Why?

drama queen: glad despite of...

Today is April 27, 2011.

If you have read my previous post, you would know that I had my birthday 2 days ago. You would also know that my father failed to greet me in that special day. You would know that he made excuses which I did not believe. You would also know, or maybe I forgot to mention it, that I did not feel bad  towards him. I accepted that fact with a shrug of my shoulders.

What he did then is far from what I expected. Well, it is not much, but coming from my father, coming from any member of my family, it is considered WOW. 

He asked us to have dinner in Imay's. Actually, I chose the restaurant. We have never dined there as family  and tonight, we did.. With my mother and father together in one table and with both of them not raising his/her voice over something insignificant, we had our peaceful dinner. What an achievement!

Before we went our separate ways, I did what I rarely do. I kissed Papa on his cheek.He is my father. I respect him. I know I can run to him whenever I am in need, but I will never feel or behave like my other sisters behave towards him. I don't know.  I am not close to him. In fact, the last time I saw him except tonight was on January 16, 2011. And I had no complains about that. I am OK with that. 

Anyway, I really appreciated Papa's effort to pacify me. I've always known that I am not his favorite, but he at least made something for me. Even if that is just to wash away his mistake of forgetting his daughter's birthday, I appreciated it a lot. 

My family is queer. That I am not ashamed to admit. I am OK with all of these. This is much better than living in one place with all of you on the edge of nervous breakdown because though you know that it is hard to be together, you still insist on having a whole family. Fortunately, we came to a point to just let it go. Four months later, we are still OK. Maybe, this is the answer. Maybe, this is just a pause. Maybe, we will be together again. Maybe not. 

As of now, I am glad with all that happened this week. Here are some points:

1. I quarreled with my high-school friends because they want me to hurry up and be friendly with someone whom I have no plans of being friends with anymore.

2. I received a text from the one who starred in my previous posts.He greeted me on my birthday. He remembered. I did not feel my heart jump. I was even surprised that he remembered or that he even saved my phone number. I just felt myself smile.

3. I got rebuked by a new friend. She told me not to raise my hopes up for the one in number 2 and said she will bang my head  to anything solid if she sees or hears me cry over him again. I did not tell her I cried after talking to her. 

4. I made a bargain to GOD over number 2. He must not text me ever or I will make that as a sign. I will hope again.

5. I brought my clothes in 26th Street, Calamba. I have decided to rent a room there and I have my other dear new friend as room mate.

6. My father spent money for my birthday instead of me spending money for them. I saved a couple of thousands.

7. My new crush posted on my FB wall.

8. Tomorrow, I will go to Ruins and Balaring together with the people in number 1.

What a week. What a life.  Exhausting. Exciting. Frustrating. Gratifying. Lovely despite of...

I wonder what's next? I can't wait to find out.

drama queen: how i spent my silver

2 days ago, I became 25 years old.

I was still sleepy when my mother and sister greeted me a happy birthday last April 25. It was about 6 to 7 in the morning and they were getting ready to leave the house. Uhmm, hello? Where are you going guys? Apparently, their world need not stop just because I happen to have my birthday that day. So in the morning of my 25th year on earth, I was alone in the house. I opened my FB account and started changing my profile picture. Pleased that there are actually those who respond to birthday notifications, I started replying to posts greeting me to have a wonderful day. Then I logged out and looked for food to eat. Boy, was I glad to buy that chicken from "Chooks-to-go"! Because of it, I did not need to buy or cook breakfast anymore. I just turned on  the oven toaster my sister bought, plugged in the rice cooker and in 3 minutes, I had my breakfast done. I bought a liter of Coke and Mang Tomas Sarsa to make my meal a little less plain and did not forget to share the rest with my faithful dogs.

Then I cleaned the house.

What a great birthday!! I loved the cleaning part actually. It took my mind off things.

In the afternoon, I went to my friends' boarding house which will have me as a boarder as well this Thursday evening. I say that I enjoyed their company. I also did not notice the time while I was with them. I got a little dizzy though. Nothing, I was not able to handle.

In the evening, I met up with my mom and sister. My other sis is in Cebu. She already sent her greeting through FB and text. I was grateful about that.  My father, well, I did not hear anything from him until the next day. I sent him a message first. Then he greeted me a belated happy birthday. I accused him of forgetting. He denied. I did not believe him, of course. But let's not dwell on that.

Back to mom and sis..

We had a simple dinner in Chicken House (I love chicken). I was sorry I was not able to treat them in a more expensive restaurant ( I'm on a tight budget..huhu). I wish, someday, I will be able to bring them there, anywhere they like..

We went home right after. I then slept. 

That was how April 25 was spent. So simple. So ordinary. So calm. So relaxed. So contented.

I was happy that I got to be with people I love.  

I was happy. It was a happy silver birthday.

drama queen: plenty of time for a happy ending

I like this song by KC Concepcion. Its title is "Why can't it be?" I like it not only because I am into sad songs lately but also because, like the person in the song, I am an escapist.

Just this morning, on my way home, I had about 2-3 daydreams. I spend more than an hour inside the bathroom not because I like to clean myself thoroughly but because I reenact, mimic, pantomimed each daydream that pops up in my head.  All have me as the main character. All have me as the winner.All have happy endings.

(Here comes the antagonist.)

I had my heart broken a million times. 

When I was in grade school (elementary), I had a crush with this boy. The problem is that he was teamed up with another female classmate. In grade school, love-teams are sacred. You can't mess up a love-team. You will be put at stake if you do. You will not have friends anymore. That was my first heartache.

Series of unfortunate events happened since then. Not only in girl-boy relationship did I suffer intense anguish or mental suffering. I had it mostly with my family. My imperfect family. Many times, I thought of throwing it all away. Too many times, I almost became a stone.

Fortunately, SOMEBODY saved me. He kept on saving me each time I fall. I owe everything to HIM. He got me. 

Recently, I had another painful encounter with life . It went on for months. I thought I might die. Seriously. It was that painful. 

But He told me to daydream again. 

I said, how can I? Does my heart still have room for that? I am turning 25! I was trying to have one before I reach the end of the calendar. Now it is gone! I'm running out of time!!! It took me 2 years to have that 2 months! I have no more time..I have no more room left..it's filled with pain. No more room!!

He didn't say anything. I kept on begging Him to just take it all away. To just make it all stop. He never answered.

Then  I came up with this blog. 

I met up with people.

I got to read inspiring messages. 

These messages slowly crept into my heart. It pushed pain away. The pain is gone.

...

Nah, it is still there!! 

...

But it is growing faint. :)

...

A fairytale magic. 

Suddenly the pimples are slowly disappearing. Dark Circles slowly vanishing. Smile rapidly showing and radiating. 

Rejoice! Reina is daydreaming again! 

I am turning 25! I have 5 more years before I finally say goodbye to Mr. Calendar. I have more and more years to enjoy and star in my own movie. My own life. I am excited! My heart is beating for my happy ending... 

 Why? Because...

He said it would be awesome. It would be perfect. It would be worth the wait and the pain. He said not to worry. He said to be strong and enjoy what I have now. More and much better is yet to come. He said I will become a princess. 

I will become someone's queen. 

I said, I believe You.

drama queen: I don't love him.

I am slow. I have admitted that many times to many people. I admitted that to myself. I admitted that because they say that the first step to recovery is acceptance of the reality. So that is my reality. And I want to recover from it.

I am slow. I want to learn faster. I want to be successful right away.

I am slow. I want to change my bad habits instantly.

I am slow. I want to forget him now.

I don't know what he is in my life now. I just know that he is someone who will never look at me again. I want to hate him but even if I force myself to do that, I can't. I think that not feeling anger towards him is good because indifference would be much preferable. But I am not indifferent either. I feel something towards him. I can't say it is love. I don't know. I tell myself that I'm getting obsessed with him.

See? I recognize the problem. I should be cured now.

I am still here though. Writing this blog about him. What is my problem?????

I erased his phone numbers from my phone for the nth time. I hope that I am making a big step now. There is no way for me to communicate with him. This is good for me right?

I hope that his essence will not be floating in my next post. Secretly, I hope he'll remember me on the 25th. Pathetic. This is not love. I know it isn't.

I'm just slow.

Reasons

There is always a reason for everything. I know that and I've used that statement for the nth time to explain why things happen to me. Up to now, I still believe in it. It is so funny that my Boyfriend and I have to break up first before I get to befriend two girls in this Social Networking site. I am still unsure if we will remain friends for a long time but I am enjoying their "company". We even text each other! I am not like that! I swear! It is just so weird. 


I am sorry, for those who do not know me, I only text guys. Guys I have a crush on or think that they have a crush on me. The thing is, I use my cellphone only to communicate important stuff to everyone and communicate not so important ones to..guys. So I find it weird to be excited to open my account in FB and check if these girls are online..well I guess, it is only because they have a connection to my ex. But what I have realized here is that, girls are fun to text and  chat with. I never had this kind of relationship with girls before. I have a lot of girlfriends, but I guess, I never showed real interest on their day to day life until recently. Or maybe I am just depressed and these girls are my outlet. I get to tell them things that my other close friends have already heard of a million times before. Actually, I only get to tell one girl. The other is so close to my ex that I do not want her to think I still carry a torch for him. They are like my link to the one who can never be mine. I am so weird. I don't know what is happening to me. Am I just using them? Are they just using me? Or are we going to end up really friends?


 So I wonder, why do I need to experience heart aches, why do I need to cry first before I get to meet them and befriend them? Why didn't we just meet in a restaurant or in a street somewhere and then hit it off? Why this? Why did we have to break up? Can't we be friends while I still have him?

For women

I am beautiful. I am special. I am precious. I am lovable. All this,simply because I am. Simply because God says so. I believe it. I walk in the knowledge of it.

If GOD considered me lovable enough to give the life of HIS own SON for me, a mere mortal man should recognize my worth...

I dare to love myself as God loves me. I won't settle for less than HIS standard of love in my life. I say NO to unloving counterfeits. I dare to wait for GOD's best. I dare to hope. I dare to dream. I dare to believe that i deserve to be loved. I dare to just be me- an incredibly lovable woman of GOD!!!


-from what to do until love finds you